She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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