I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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