Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
