I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
