the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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