I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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