watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
