Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
