I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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