There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I need a beard to bite.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
