I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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