You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize