guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
