I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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