I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
