I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
