I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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