Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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