definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
