I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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