yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
