i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
