is your mom at the bar?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
