I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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