I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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