a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
