I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
