Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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