We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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