my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
When did angry sex become our thing?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
