you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
