you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
