I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
