Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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