oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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