God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
