...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize