I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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