Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
