i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
