I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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