Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize