Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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