she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Randomize
