Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
