Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
