every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
