I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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