At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
