oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I think your dad took our porno
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
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