You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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