i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize