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We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Randomize
