The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
