I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
