I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
