Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
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