I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize