Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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