I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
