420 ftw
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
