her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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