Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
