I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
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