I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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