Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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