My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
