Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
