So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
